"That girl"

I've been debating for awhile on whether or not to write about this topic, but you know what? This is my blog, and I feel like I shouldn't have to censor myself on it.

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. My last relationship, to be completely honest, was an abusive one. Not physically, but emotionally and otherwise. The more I think about it, the more I believe it, too.

I've been struggling with my supposed stupidity, of staying in the relationship for so long and for putting up with it. How is it that the best of us get into these situations and can't seem to get ourselves out? We all say it'll never be us, that we're too smart to get into a destructive relationship.

But I stayed in it for three years. And I have a hard time believing that the way I was treated wasn't my fault in some way. The things I felt pressured to do for this person is above and beyond anything I ever imagined I'd do — with anyone — and I'm ultimately ashamed at the experiences I now can check off.

In some ways, I'm disgusted with myself. When I think of the things I did, the things I convinced myself I did and didn't feel and the mindgames I put myself through, I feel way too wise for my age. I've found myself lately being that girl. You know, the girl who's been in the ugly relationship and survives, if only for the sole purpose to warn other girls that it can happen to them, too.

I don't like being that girl, though. Sure, I like being wise and learned enough to give sound advise, but was it worth three years of suckiness to do so? But I guess no one really likes to be that girl.

I wish none of us had to be that girl.