Somber

I don't feel writing anything resembling wittiness would be appropriate today, as 21 June marks one year since my lovely cousin passed away. Russell was my most favourite cousin and, as he was several years younger than me, I felt like he was more of a little brother than a cousin.

His home life was rough on him (his dad a drug user and absolutely horrible father and his mother doing the best she could); he was overweight and, being partly raised by our grandparents, our maternal grandfather had the prime opportunity to ridicule him constantly. From a young age, he was put at a disadvantage.

The last time I talked with him, I was really rude. The was some reason, but it all seems so petty now. I was supposed to see him that final weekend, but having chosen last minute not to take the 12-hour round-trip drive to attend another cousin's wedding (from my dad's side of the family) in Olympia, I missed my chance to see him. My parents visited with him, though, when they stayed with my mother's parents after the wedding. My dad said that he looked well and talked brightly of his college prospects.

His mother, my aunt, thinks he had fabricated having symptoms of ADHD so he could get the same prescription a fellow classmate had used. The classmate had lost some weight while using the drug.

Russell was in bed when he was discovered, by his younger sister's baby-sitter, after she hadn't seen or heard from him all morning. He had died of an apparent Adderall overdose. He was only eighteen.

My dad called me as soon as he heard the news. I have never wept before or since like I did that evening; many of the capillaries in my eyelids burst from being under such stress. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours on the floor of my bathroom. Thinking it was a suicide, I blamed myself for not being more available to him. Realizing it had to be an accident has helped me cope.

I miss him so much. I will never stop missing him. You hear that, Russell? Never.


As a serious and respected blogger over the age of 16, I've taken a silent oath to refrain from posting song lyrics; however, just this once, I'm allowing an exemption. It won't happen again.

Occured to me the other day
You've been gone now a couple years
Well, I guess it takes while
For someone to really disappear

And I remember where I was
When the word came about you
It was a day much like today
The sky was bright, and wide, and blue

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye

Today my heart is big and sore
It's tryin' to push right through my skin
Won't see you anymore
I guess that's finally sinkin' in

'Cause you can't make somebody see
By the simple words you say
All their beauty from within
Sometimes they just look away

And I wonder where you are
And if the pain ends when you die
And I wonder if there was
Some better way to say goodbye
Some better way to say goodbye

-Patty Griffin, "Goodbye"